Zombie Stomper

One of these days there will be an apocalypse, it is fact. We could kill each other off in a nuclear holocaust, or a meteor erases us in a plum of dust and fire, or dinosaur ghosts could return and slough off their dino-ghost-fleas onto us giving us dino-ghost-flea-ghost-diseases. You just never know! If none of that happens, though, then we will have our sun going supernova to look forward to. Actually, before that even happens it will expand, growing in size as it gains energy, like the taking of a deep breath, and that expansion will have killed us off long before the supernova, but you get the point. At the very least, and I suppose as a best case scenario, our atmosphere will deteriorate as Earth's temperature rises, evaporating the oceans, blanketing everything in sand and dust, and at that point we may as well be living on Mars. Doesn't matter, humanity will be dead long before that.

"You are looking good tonight. Good and tasty! Woka-woka-woka."

If I had a vote I would opt for a Zombie Apocalypse. Think about it, man! We get to do what we have always wanted to do: kill, eat, and fit in with the majority. Zombies are indiscriminate towards life and each other. They kill and eat anything and anyone not a zombie; all ethnicities and religions are fair game and tasty. It is ironic how zombies crave the one thing there is very little of on this planet: brains. I digress...

In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse there would inevitably be survivors trying to seek a safe haven from the rabid hordes of brain eaters. Until you are bitten, infected, and transformed into the undead, you can count yourself as a survivor. Surely you would want to stay non-zombie as long as possible, but face it, sooner or later you are dead meat. Unless shoe leather is your only method of escape, you are going to need tools to get you from the hellish yet appetizing smorgasbord that is your neighborhood.

What weapons and supplies would you take with you during your urban flight? Assuming zombies die like they do in the movies there are a plethora of weapons to get you through a few waves of undead. To wit:

Guns. Guns are good and powerful. They can dispatch a foe from afar, they can obliterate at close range, and they intimidate any non-infected humans who are looking for an easy "grape" minus the "g." On the other hand, they require ammo, which in turn is heavy and takes space in your survival backpack. You only have so many bullets until you have to throw your gun at your foe. "You talking to me?"

Real guns are ideal.

Blades. Blades are neat and near-infinite. With a sword you can slash, impale, and de-head for as long as you have breath in your lungs. With a knife you can pierce skulls and commit wicked sneak attacks. They are light weight, easily concealable, and can open CD and DVD cases when not being used as a zombie-dicer. Trouble is, unless you throw your blade you can only slay the infected at close range. That and you only can kill one, or maybe two if you are good, foes at a time. If you are surrounded then you may as well commit one last thrust to seppuku.

Flamethrowers are cool, but you aren't going to find them at Wal-Mart. Unless you are a terrorist you probably won't find RPG launchers either.

I would go with an armament of two guns, one knife, one sword.

Non-weapon supplies? Food is good. Water is even more good. You can find candy bars and fruitcake everywhere, but it will be water that vanishes faster than positive presidential approval ratings. You can't drink from gutters or urinals, that stuff will kill you, as will liquids from car radiators. Gallon jugs are heavy and unwieldy. 20oz bottles are good but don't last too long. If the zombies don't get you, expect thirst to end your life in only a few days, maybe a week at most.

Remember, non-infected mammals are a threat as well. Humans are evil, manipulative, and opportunistic, heck we wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for our rampant fornicating and enslavement. Don't forget packs of feral dogs, rabid kittens, and streets full of hamsters in plastic rolling balls. In the early hours of a Zombie Apocalypse chaos, confusion, misinformation, and hysteria will be the death of many long before an infected bite.

Let us assume then that wherever you are going isn't too far away. If your destination is more than a week away, screw it. Truth be told, stealth is your best weapon, if the zombies don't know you are there, they wont come after you. So, don't let them see you.

Here is what I am thinking:

Primary Weapon: Hunting Rifle. Pick off your obstacles from afar. Waste no more than one shot per zombie. Stay moving, quietly, to avoid any incoming zombies that may have heard the report. 50 bullets.

Secondary Weapon: Handgun. Surely, you will find yourself face to face with a nasty brain muncher at some point. I suggest stopping power. Desert Eagle would be nice, though, hard to find. Maybe a 357. Once they are within pistol range make sure they don't stay mobile for long. Finish the job and get moving. Now. 4 spare clips, or 100 bullets.

Sword: Ninja-to. It is small, usually no longer than 22' inches and sharp enough to pierce even the dry leather of Keith Richards' gnarly facial skin. Use it to stab and aim for the neck or mouth. Be quick, silent, and approach stealthily from behind. This is a handy tool when other zombies are near and you don't want them to know you are there.

Knife: Commando Knife. These things are sweet. You can get them at any army-navy store, I have one. They come with a crappy compass, wire for fishing, matches, and a butt wipe to keep the poo itch away for at least a few hours. Essentially they are several handy tools in one. May as well consolidate while you still can. It is the ultimate last ditch weapon. Other than a back-pack nuke.

Other. Snicker's Marathon bars are good and surprisingly filling. Fruit cups don't have to be kept cold. Two or three 20oz bottles of water are light-weight, refillable, and can help you last up to a week fresh. You aren't going too far, so ration your goods. Matches if it is cold. Wear heavy to medium thick clothing to help shield you from bites and weather. Forget about make-up, razors, or deodorant. Take tampons. Zombies can smell blood and you don't want to leave a "trail."

Also, if you have trouble coming to grips with shooting/chopping people just try to remember that they are already dead. You aren't killing them, you are "resting" them. If that doesn't help then try to imagine that all zombies are Bin Laden, Hitler, or Paris Hilton.

Paris Bin Hitler.

Hopefully you will make it out alive. There must be at least one survivor so that someone can witness our sun boil us to death.

Love,
Smiley Grimm

You gotta cut down trees to build a paperhouse

Assuming we humans are all superficially similar, beyond basic survival necessities, in that we fill the time between birth and death with stimulating activities (busy work), you should understand if I tell you that I have a cat in my head that is both alive and dead. Call me Schrodinger, but I am pretty certain we all have cats in our heads. With confidence in your comprehension we can ruminate on a long time nuerostimulus of mine: Flicker Cogitation (FC).

Both alive and dead

This hobby dates back as far my memories can take me. My earliest memory is of me sitting in a high-chair smearing spaghetti-o's all over my face while my family watched and smiled. We lived in a small apartment, second floor, and were all huddled close in the dinning room. I was too young to speak, or eat properly for that matter, but for some reason that experience was burned into my brain. As I later learned, I wasn't even a year old at the time and most people don't have memories of that age. What significance does that brief memory hold? You can assign pretty much everything in life to some purpose, which invariably leads to procreation or, at the very least, personal well being. It is our programming.

As I grew older, this memory stayed with me, often appearing in flickers of sudden recollection brought on for no apparent reason. A random invasion of pointless remembrance. Sometime, I would even lose sleep over it. I am sure some of the details have been lost to time and my imagination has filled in the blanks, but why would remembering that help me or the human race in any way? That is just one example, I have thousands more.

Mostly, these Flicker Cogitations come from something that I experienced only briefly, such as a song on the radio that I never forget after only one listen, or a picture I glanced at in passing, a story I heard a piece of, and on and on. The weird part is that at the time of the experience these events hold almost no meaning to me. We are witness to hundreds of pointless things everyday, why do some stay with us? Maybe I don't understand their importance until later? Maybe I am a compulsive completionist? Whatever the case, they can haunt me. Once they haunt me, they interfere with my dreams, and that aggravates me to no end. My dreams are my castle and I don't want anything to bother that realm.

Once this downward spiral begins I feel compelled to reverse it. I have to trace the memories, rediscover them, rewind time, and confront them. I always do, though, I never find out why they are special to me. They remain utterly pointless. On the other hand, once each thread of Flicker Cogitation has been followed to its conclusion, I feel a sense of relief and gratification. Why? I gave up on trying to understand why. No answer has felt satisfactory to me, so who cares? I just roll with it. Whatever. Sometimes its fun to fish with simulacrum instead of worms. Whoa, that is a wicked cool band name: Simulacrum of Worms.

My latest series of FC adventures have involved movies.

The year was 1987, I was bouncing around the house, like any six-year-old, and a commercial came on television for a movie. This movie trailer depicted only a few things that I can remember: a man with a mustache, a girl jumping into a mirror, and a priest throwing a fire-ax. For some reason those images stayed with me all the way to 2009.

Recently, I was at my place of employment, asking co-workers if they had seen any movies that featured those scenes; no one had any clue what I was talking about, probably attributing my silly questions to pizza dementia. It's real. Google it.

A few days later, I was at Wal-Mart buying a video game when I noticed a $15 collection of four John Carpenter (one of my fave directors) movies packaged together in one two-disc DVD set. I flipped the box around to examine the back and beheld a picture of a black dude looking into a mirror. The same freaking mirror from that movie trailer twenty two years ago! Crap my pants! Dead cats rejoice; it took me twenty two years to figure it out. I bought the DVD collection and did a happy-dance...when no one was looking.

The movie is : Prince of Darkness. Check it out, it is awesome.

So good.

1988: a slightly older Smiley was bouncing around the house while the family prepared to enjoy a movie I had no interest in. While I was playing with some toys, I noticed my folks complain about those newfangled contrivances all state-of-the-art VHS tapes began including before each feature presentation: movie trailers. Oh no. Not again.

My father, being a man fond of technological advance, saw the previews as a good opportunity to use the new wireless remote control. It probably impressed everyone when infrared signals were transmitted from the couch to the VCR (the space age is here!) and prompted the hasty procession of magnetic tape, but I was too busy wrapping my mind around that fragment of a trailer that was now gone, never to return. It featured a young British girl, a simple two-story house in a meadow, a child drawing something with crayons, and a man trying to kill everyone with a hammer. I managed to gather, from the voice over, that the house and the man with the hammer were brought into being by the little girl's drawings. Awesome!

2009: I was watching Prince of Darkness tonight, feeling awful swell that I managed to solve a thread of FC when I became stricken by another. The movie trailer from 1988. What the heck movie was it?! Why have I not been able to let it go, this frequent nemesis of day dreams and reason, for the majority of my life? Bah!

After hours of demented Google searching, message board masochism, and Blog comment section eye-assault I arrived at:

Bingo! El Dorado!

Paperhouse. I now know it is possible to cry, cackle, fart, and leap simultaneously. This is a historic day. For some reason this movie struck me harder than most other FC. I don't care to know why. I am just happy that one more will be quiet. Unfortunately, the movie was never pressed to Region 1 DVD here in the USA, so I had to buy it in European Region 2 DVD form and a new DVD player, as well, that can play all formats in order to see it. Thanks internet!

So, I just spent $90 on a movie that I have never seen in order to put to rest one more frequent bout of disquieting Flicker Cogitation. It is a good day.

Another heavy Flicker Cogitation from my childhood is that of a mouse detective who drinks grapejuice in order to find a key at the bottom of a jug. It's a book. With pictures. I MUST KNOW!

Visit the cat in your head from time to time. For no reason whatsoever. Apparently.

Love,
Smiley Grimm

"May we suggest, lying?"

For the most part, I have been a loner my entire life. My dog, Domino, was my best friend for nearly two decades. Most other humans bore, bother, or anger me too much, so I try to keep my distance. The general populous feels the same way about me, so it works out in mutual benefit.

Needless to say, this kind of behavior makes it hard to find a girlfriend, and once one is ensnared they are more trouble than they are worth. My friends all managed to get married but I am too wrapped up into my own schemes and intrigues to care much for that, or remember birthdays. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, I am happy with this life of solitude. I became comfortable with it once I realized that love, companionship, and all that gunk is just chemical processes in the brain to begin with. It all boils down to our need to breed and the world would be better off if I didn't spread my genes. In that light I am kind of a hero. You are welcome.

Still, though, it is fun to sometimes take a peek from the outside in through the eye slits of a costumed masque.

Whilst recently checking my e-mail I was struck by an ad for a online dating website, e-harmony.com. The advertisement boasted of a free trial account for AOL users, like me, and guaranteed a match for everyone who signs up. Ha! Yeah, right...

I signed up, took a one million question personality evaluation, and was ready to eat my eyeballs after a half hour of that trite. Really, I wasn't looking for a date, I just wanted to test that guarantee, but it was more taxing than I expected. While answering questions, taking surveys, and wasting time I was pummeled by waves of photos of happy smiling couples who all found their soul mates on that website. With each picture came a frothing testimonial proclaiming e-harmony as heaven's first website. Were I a normal being, and having not already realized I was in trouble by needing to turn to the internet to find love, the first (or second) clue to my dismal future, thanks to those pics, would be in seeing that only the sexiest people on the planet find matches through e-harmony. Cupids shoot the sexy through keyboards now, I guess. The rest of us ugly folks are just screwed.

Anyway, once the sign up procedure was completed I was ready to search for my soul mate. Since this was a free trial account they wouldn't provide any photos of my matches, just basic profile information. To actually see my prey I would have to pay twenty bucks a month, which is nineteen more than I make. I just wanted to see how many "soul mates" lived in my town.

I entered the search criteria and clicked away.

The first result came back with: zero. There are no matches within 10 miles of my residence. You don't say...

I widened the search radius to 100 miles. Zero matches.

E-harmony then suggested that I change some of my search criteria. It even made some recommendations for me. The three big reasons why my searches failed: smoking, drinking, and religion. I searched for a mate that did not smoke, drink, or practice religion. Not that I have a problem with anyone who does any of those activities, but the system asked and I answered.

I didn't want to budge on those three points, so I decided to expand the search radius to 300 miles of my location. Still zero matches, and still e-harmony suggested I change my stance on smoking, drinking, and religion.

I expanded my search to the U.S.A.. Zero results.

World? Zero.

I decided to change my search criteria. I adjusted some sliders, gauges, and meters but kept smoking, drinking, and religion at "no." My new search included fat chicks, mothers of twelve, ladies from the ages of 18 to 60, all races, all languages, all nationalities, all political affiliations, and all incomes but I stayed with my original stance on smoking, drinking, and religion.

I searched the world and came back with zero again.

This time not only did e-harmony recommend re-evaluating smoking, drinking, and religion, but it also suggested that I remove video games from my hobbies and put myself into a higher wage bracket. Really? Who's soul mate are we looking for here? Why not just save folks like me the trouble and provide a link to e-paperbagoveryourhead.com? What a joke.

I fully expected zero results going in and found it quite amusing, but I wasn't expecting the website to suggest that my views on smoking, drinking, and religion are wrong, and I wasn't expecting the website to ask me to lie about how much money I make.

Ever since then I get regular e-mails from e-harmony informing me that they still haven't found any matches. Lol! Why would they bother to tell anyone that!? I wonder how many lonely people consider those weekly reminders their "e-suicide." Terrible.

What a zero match world.