5 Gnarly Ways To Die

Admit it. You have thought about your passing at least a hand full of times. There are situations when you may have even questioned if you are still alive, such as: standing in a long line at the DMV, attending a wedding, or watching a chick-flick with a hot babe just so you can later "seal the deal." In those cases your soul probably left your body, but sadly, you are still breathing. Death is a fascinating topic and one we will all have to address at some point. Unless you are a robot.

Ask around, a majority of folks can tell you how they want to go: of old age in their sleep. Boring! Come on, grow a pair. I have compiled a list of the ways in which I would like to leave this mortal coil. Any one of these would make me happy. That is, if I somehow was aware of how I passed.

Let's start this off with something sick and violent, which is to say, the best way!

#5 Crash In Unfriendly Country






Barf bags for the living and the dead!






This method of catching a bad case of death is by no means sudden. First, you have to suffer airport parking, airport security, and the fat guy stealing the armrest next to you. Then explosions send you, and the other pansies, screaming as your flaming aluminum bucket plummets into the hot foreboding jungles of some foreign country that hates Americans, like the country of Earth for example.

You crawl forth from the wreckage, probably with a broken bone or four, and discover the fat armrest thief is still alive. So you kill him. Then, as you raise his severed arms to the sky in victory, a bunch of weird bone-nosed natives spill out of the trees and toss a net on your head. Could it get worse? It seems they worship fat guys and they think you killed their god. They are not pleased. Yeah, it got worse.

As you began to roast over an open flame a special tactical military force parachutes in and AK-47s everyone, everyone but you. Next you find yourself detained in a foreign prison, sharing cells with smelly fat guys who "love" Americans. Somehow you put two and two together and realize that you are a political prisoner. They began torturing you and video taping you confessing to anything they want you to. You'll say anything to end the torture and return to your cell. In time you enjoy the fat guys.

After getting your throat slit and being mounted on a pole, videos are released worldwide of you admitting to being a terrorist, hating your infidel mother, and enjoying chick-flicks.

The plus side? When your life flashes before your eyes it will seem like a good life, no matter what, by comparison.

#4 Smothered By Popcorn, Non-Buttered.








Death incarnate.









Dating is hell. We dudes are always looking to impress possible mates. It may be near impossible for some, such as I, to even get a lady to talk to you, and once you do the true crucible begins. Chicks dig a guy with muscles, money, and malleability. The more you lack in one area the more you have to overcompensate in another.

You buy tickets to the movies, a terrible chick-flick for sure, and then decide to really show off. You spend way too much on junk food at the snack bar, and then try to lift way too much of it by yourself despite her offerings of assistance.

"Don't worry, I got this."

Just as you wobble past the condiments your back slips a disc, you stumble over, tumbling headfirst into the trash can near the straw dispenser. Your arms are trapped at your side, legs flail helpless in the air, and the scalding hot popcorn you were once carrying too much of clogs your nose, ears, and mouth. You have no choice but to breath in movie theater garbage and food that is probably months old. In trash no one can hear you scream.

Your date decides to abandon you dying upside down in a pit of filth, instead of suffering your embarrassing presence any longer.

The plus side? Your family makes a million from the lawsuits and "My Son/Brother Choked On Popcorn" stickers and t-shirts.

#3 Failing To Defuse A Bomb








Explosive fun!









While standing in line at the DMV you contemplate suicide but decide to post on twitter instead. All around you are people who can't speak English, yet manage a license hassle-free, crying babies, and some English speaking dude got angry and dropped a deuce in the middle of the floor in protest of his mistreatment.

Finally, you are next in line and the pointless punishment that is the DMV is almost over. Then the lights go out.

People are screaming, elderly are trampled in a mad rush to the doors, and as the red emergency lights snap on, painting everything communist, everyone realizes that a terrorist plot has just hatched. Actually, two terrorist plots if you include the need for the DMV to begin with.

The doors are locked and a bomb is revealed in the center of the room, near the poo that never got cleaned.

"Don't worry, I got this."

You saunter over, pluck the red wire, as the movies have taught you, and the whole place goes Nagasaki.

The plus side? No more DMV. You will be a hero in your city. Until the next one is built.

#2 Wrestle A Baby From The Mouth Of A Polar Bear







"I'll be seeing you, pal."











Surely you frequent the Arctic. No? Surely the Arctic wildlife frequent you.

You are attending the birthday party of your friend's baby child. What fun...

All the females laugh, gossip, and spray their scent on everything while the guys try to huddle up and hide. Soon the child will be attempting the blowing out of candles, a redundant practice in fruitless futility, and then you will have to watch in terror as your shoddy gift is chucked across the room and everyone blames you for making the baby cry. The place you and your male brethren choose to hide is outside, by the pool.

You are wondering if it is the beer or the desire for death that has caused the polar bear to manifest in the pool. What is it doing here? Why has it come this far? Wait a second, I don't drink!

Out of the corner of your eye you notice some angry females shaking their ovaries at you. The female murder-squad grows in number as they search for their "belongings" (a.k.a. dudes). They are shocked and run away in fear at the sudden sight of the polar bear and call off their inquisition. Before seeking the relative safety of the indoors you decide to snap a few quick cell phone pics of the bear.

"This will look awesome on facebook!"

Unfortunately, the antique car horn, the one that goes aw-ooo-gah, is the alert tone that sounds when you take your first cell picture. It is well documented in science that polar bears find that sound offensive. So it rampages.

In the ensuing bloody melee you manage to rescue the birthday boy from the maw of the angry bear. The polar bear dies from a cake knife to the ear, but you die from a bear claw to the every part of you.

The plus side? That shoddy toy you bought for the kid you don't even know, the set of small plastic building blocks (a.k.a. hopeful choking hazard), won't be thrown away. It will be kept as a solemn reminder of your heroic sacrifice. Then it will cause the death of the baby you saved, when it gums it in an effort to aid the growth of teeth. Revenge is sweet.

#1 Meteorite Decapitation





"I'll have what he's having, please."









Only two people on record have ever been struck by a meteorite. Some old lady sitting in her living room and a little German boy. What luck that they both survived!

I like to go jogging. Whenever I need an ego boost it is fun to go jog at the park. I am the only skinny guy there and it is nice to be glowered at by all the fat people jiggling down the paths. Sometimes, when there is a large herd of them stampeding together, the ground shakes, and it is what I imagine life in California to be like. I am not sure, but I think they either hate me or want to eat me. Maybe they want to angrily eat me in a hateful manner. Eh, whatever.

After lapping them all for the twentieth time it would really get their goat if they were witness to the luckiest guy in history: the one dude to take a meteorite to the head.

All I am asking for is one the size of a softball. Just big enough to remove my head and leave a small crater, or as I like to call it, a ready made grave.

The plus side? Everything. This is the best way to go in my opinion. I wouldn't see it coming. I wouldn't feel a thing, and it would be historic. If the meteorite carried some space-plague then that would be even better, like a gift that keeps on giving.

Love,
Smiley Grimm